I was ‘somewhere’ listening to the apology of Tiger Woods last Friday when it suddenly dawned on me that probably, never since the creation of Adam had so many men fallen so rapidly as a result of women. I realized that seriously the greatest threat to man is not nuclear weapons or global warming but the weapons of man’s destruction (women). As a young aspiring married man, I became concerned because almost all the falls as happens to men and brings them to disgrace happens to married men. So I became alarmed about my future and the future of my friends most of whom I cannot vouch for to leave faithful marital lives. This alarm sent me back to an issue I have thought about over and over and over, i.e. how to have a long lasting, controversy free but happy life with women.
I decided to do some case studies and see if I could learn something from their experiences for my own good. I did and I learnt a lot and I would be very unselfish to share with you what I found out and what I suggest is the sure way to having a long lasting, controversy free but happy life with women.
I looked at Bill Clinton, John Terry, Tiger Woods and from our motherland, Dr. Richard Anane, Mubarak Muntaka. Now lets take them one by one.
Bill Clinton is one man who is colossus when it comes to womanizing or what I call ‘casanovering’. Bill had a great problem, he could not keep his trouser zipped; he was one person whose zip didn’t need to be padlocked but to be welded. This man from his days as a lawyer to being a governor of Arkansas to being President though married wasted no time at all to enjoy himself and spice up his life with variety, which indeed is not so bad or is it? After all without variety is bound to be boredom which I realized was the major cause of marital disputes and issues which force those of us in the stronger sex to do certain things which those in the opposite do not really like. So Bill went about spicing his life with almost every rounded figure that came in skirt and oh, he did it so well and indeed should be a case study for all of you who would relish the opportunity to follow in his footsteps. So Bill as I have come to call him, really enjoyed himself and though there were little rumors here and there, he avoided a major scandal till one Monica Lewinsky came around. Even with beautiful Monica, Bill played a good game and almost avoided all controversy but the woman was not a good game player. Monica couldn’t keep the fact that she was being ‘dealt with’ by the most Powerful Man on earth so she told a close friend Paula and that was where the mess started. Paula a Republican sought to make political capital out of it, later on the powerful man had to lie under oath and was almost impeached but he survived, well he was saved by the bell really. So clearly Bill shouldn’t have been caught and Bill really did nothing wrong, all blame should go to Monica for not closing her mouth! So if one could make his alomo keep quiet, it would go a long way to help you but as you and I know that’s about the greatest feat a man could chalk- simple and short, it’s impossible!
Enter John Terry. Well, Terry is the EX-CAPTAIN and that should be emphasized, EX-CAPTAIN of the English National team and plays for a soccer team that wears blue but plays like a rugby team. This team is not so good aside the fact that they are able to bully my Arsenal and score some really cheap goals. But Terry is also a married man, he is powerful or at least was powerful but still very wealthy earning around 150,000 pounds a week. Indeed I know that for most of you reading, you would never be able to see his weekly salary in your lifetime but that’s life so don’t blame yourself too much. Terry I hear is as good in the bedroom as he is in defense. It so happened that his former teammate and friend, Wayne Bridge had to move to the City of Manchester and he had no problem leaving his wife for Terry to cater for and it turned out that Terry really catered for her every need through and through. He indeed worked for her and on her and the lady found it very easy to choose Terry over Wayne for the same reason Capello would choose Terry over Wayne any day. So Terry also played well not for Chelsea but for Wayne’s girlfriend, but the lady repented and regretted and confessed, unfortunately to Wayne. I should say that this is one of the problems I have with ladies, they are so easily repent and confess. Small thing and they would regret their actions and confess and put man into all lots of problems.
Now Tiger Woods. The world’s most famous golfer and the first sportsman to bank one billion dollars, yes $1,000,000,000 which I must admit is not so much money. Tiger is splendid on the golf course but it seems he is not that good in bed and am sure he doesn’t understand why. But long and short, Tiger is married to a Swede model and he thought it wise to distribute some of his energy, power and wealth to his fellow American ladies. So he did exactly so and I think he should be commended for that. He did so and did it well till one unfortunate day. On this day, Tiger could not control his libido and wanted to get out of his house at around 2 a.m after an uninspiring performance. Tiger wanted to feel good and to replicate his performances on the golf course so he decided to go and see one of his American alomos but God being so good, he had an accident at the entrance of his home. It was then that we all got to know the truth. So here again, Tiger should not have been caught and would not have been caught had he not had the accident.
Enter the Ghanaian torchbearers, Dr. Richard Anane and Muntaka.
Dr. Richard Anane, is a bald handsome politician from Nhyiaeso. He is a Medical Doctor who specializes in women which for me is great as he has managed to turn a hobby into a Profession. He served as Minister of Health and Minister of Roads and Transport. It so happened that Dr. while at the Health Ministry attended one conference in North America and while at the Conference met one pretty lady known as Alexandria. Dr. could obviously not hide his emotions so he did what he should have done and Alexandria who was already feeling Dr. also accepted. I hear that bald men make up for the inadequacy in hair in other places and surely Dr. Anane produced a superlative performance which left Alexandria speechless. Now for Alexandria the only problem left was how to keep the soft-spoken and powerful Doctor who also had ambitions of becoming the President one day (what could be more motivating than having a Ghanaian Minister of state and potential future President?). Dr. Anane also a married man would not give in so Alexandria resorted to the use of communist inferior tactics and mafia. She gave out her affair to certain people who also helped her get to certain Media houses especially the Enquirer and the rest is history. Obviously, here too, Dr. Anane shouldn’t have been caught if he had gotten himself a lady who was not as ambitious as Alexandria and who was okay with the role of a concubine.
Lastly, Muntaka. Yes, the famous Muntaka. Muntaka is a young tall NDC Politician from Asawase who has a sparkling gold plated tooth somewhere in his teeth. Muntaka was appointed Minister of Sports which is about the highest position in Ghana aside the Presidency. The new position meant that Muntaka had to look for new attachments to his file which he did by wooing a succulent lady who happens to work in the office of the Majority leader. For me this was a huge misjudgment especially knowing the Majority leader at that time and his track record in these sort of things. But Muntaka also enjoyed himself for some time though not for too long until one unscrupulous, jealous accountant decided to blow the whistle. So Muntaka too should not have been caught had he sorted out the accountant well or had he found one lady for the accountant to compensate him.
So looking at these case studies I came to a few similarities that run across. One of them was the fact that all these married men should not have been caught but looking at what prompted their disgrace, its obvious that they are issues one can do very little about. Its either a loud mouth friend of your alomo spills the beans, or you are involved in an accident while going your somewhere (which reminds me of one Mumuni), or you unfortunately pick an over ambitious girl or something else. So obviously we cant control being caught. Secondly, I realized that all the men who were caught surprisingly were not abandoned by the wives. They were all supported by their wives but the reason for this phenomenon wasn’t far fetched; simple it was because they were powerful or wealthy. If any of those reading like you tried half of what our case studies did, you would not only be abandoned but you would become a victim of domestic violence.
In analyzing what was happening to men I realized that there would have been no scandal if these men were single but you cant be single for life so how do we avoid disgrace because we cant also spend all our energy, time and money on one lady or don’t you agree? So I looked to find a way of going around this very serious issue. I looked at Polygamy which some had suggested was a way of eluding the temptation of cheating on your wife. I realized however that this theory was very bogus; indeed it had no scientific basis and was very silly to say the least.
This is because as Jacob Zuma has shown, polygamy is no sure way to a happy, exciting life with women. It is not! Jacob Zuma though married to 3 women was discovered to have recently powered a young fair South African lady leading to pregnancy (Afru-Pii). So clearly, polygamy is not the way. Secondly, being aware of the greedy bastards around, I am fully sure that there would be shortage of women if we encourage polygamy.
Secondly, I heard of the example of Will Smith and his super star wife, Jada Smith. This couple it is said have an open access to all marriage meaning that Will Smith has the opportunity to enjoy himself with any lady as long as he keeps Jada informed and vice-versa. This indeed is a laudable idea and a very good one indeed but am not sure it would work in Africa. Here the ladies are very jealous and selfish and complain too much, it wont work!
So I had to come up with a plan to help my generation and I did. For me the best way to save ourselves as men from all the troubles is to have a well planned and documented marriage. In the end I realized that most of the factors, I had drawn had a lot to do with football.
To begin with, the selection for a wife should be top class and should take into account everything. For there to be selection it means there has to be competition. I propose that each aspiring male should have a good squad of a number of ladies out of which the wife would emerge after a series of tests. Just like football, a good team should have a good squad through and through out of which the best would be chosen for any match. Without competition, the team would be mediocre and Team B.
Secondly, courtship should not be too much otherwise there would be boredom even before the vows are said. So simply test one or two things, yes one or two things and once you are satisfied go ahead and marry.
Thirdly, the marriage should have a legally binding contract with a buy out clause. This means you can always buy yourself out of the marriage to prevent any disgrace, that is , when the temptation gets too much. This would provide a safe escape route without controversy while providing the comfort that you can always get out of the prison you have put yourself into.
Fourth, the contract should have a duration after which it can be renewed. For example, I would prefer a 5-year contract which is renewable once but whatever you choose is left to you and you only. This would mean that you would not keep yourself in bondage unduly just like football where a player can move after the contract expires without renewal.
Fifth, like football and FIFA (pronounced “FIFA’ not ‘Fiva’), have at least 5 international match days in a Year on which dates each of the two would be free to go anywhere and enjoy him or herself with anyone of your choice. But these dates should also have a mandatory return time with the clause looking like this ‘it is mandated that the partner would return to the matrimonial home not more than 10 days after the stipulated match day as arranged in Article………….. clause………… subsection………..’ of the Marriage/ partnership agreement. Such a clause would surely spice up the relationship on a regular basis as the burden of prison life would be lessened while preventing the possibility of the partner not returning.
Also, I realized that to prevent cheating as happens in today’s marriages, every expenditure should be shared on a 55%-45% basis with the Man taking the higher part. Though it disadvantages the man it is far better than the current situation where men take 100% of the cost.
Lastly, in case liabilities emerge, I mean in case there are children at the end of a contract , the children should be shared with the man given the priority of who to take and who to apportion to the woman.
GOING THROUGH. I LIKE IT
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